the chemical scrub (bissell 2x pet stain & odor)

julian thinks this smells like ‘cleanliness,’ but i know it’s just a biodegradable detergent designed to mask the existential dread of a pet-friendly rental. it’s concentrated, phosphate-free, and lacks the heavy metals found in the cheap slop i used to see at my old firm. i use it sparingly, like a liturgical oil, to purge the carpet of the ‘unknown messes’ that appear whenever julian ‘helps’ with the dog. it’s safe for the kids, apparently, but i’m more concerned with the way it breaks down proteins at a molecular level.