the bidet question (tushy classic 3.0)

there are things you research at ten-thirty on a tuesday night that you do not discuss at dinner. the tushy classic 3.0 is one of them. it is a non-electric bidet attachment that installs between the toilet seat and the bowl in what the company claims is 8.5 minutes, which feels optimistic but directionally honest. the nozzle is self-cleaning — tushy calls it smartspray — which means it rinses itself before and after each use, which is the kind of engineering detail that matters enormously and that i will not be elaborating on further in polite company. the water pressure is adjustable via a knob that comes in bamboo or brass finishes, because apparently even the bidet market has an aesthetic tier system. the precision nozzle adjuster lets you position the stream, which is information i am including because it is a real product feature and not because i want to dwell on it. it fits most standard toilets. it does not require electricity. it does not require a plumber. it requires approximately nine minutes and a willingness to acknowledge that the way we’ve been doing this is — and i’m being generous here — suboptimal. julian doesn’t know i ordered it yet. i’m going to install it while he’s at work and see how long it takes him to notice. my prediction is immediate. his reaction is going to be a whole thing.